


Note

by KaytheJay



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:01:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21769546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaytheJay/pseuds/KaytheJay
Summary: Dan has left a suicide note for Phil to find.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	Note

"I'm home!" Phil said as soon as he walked through the front door of their apartment. Dan didn't reply. This was odd. "Dan?" Phil questioned to the empty apartment. No response. Phil rushed around the apartment trying to find him, but he was nowhere to be found. He pulled out his phone and called him. He didn't answer. Dan never ignored calls. At least, not calls from Phil. He noticed that Dan's door was open. He thinks took a step inside.  
The room was uncharacteristically clean. Not a single sock was on the floor. Everything was so perfect. So clean. There was an envelope on the bed with Phil's name on it. Phil's heart sank.  
Hello Phil,  
This isn't what you were expecting to come home to. I'm sure. My room perfectly clean and a note on the bed. Me not there.  
My depression has been kicking me. Of course, you knew that. You've been right here beside me through the whole thing. Don't think that this is your fault. It's not. You're part of the reason it took so long to get to this point. I don't want you to blame yourself. It's not your fault. It's not anyone else's fault.  
I didn't want you to come home and find me. I don't want your last memory of me to be of you coming home to see my lifeless body on my bed. That isn't fair to you. So I've left. I don't know where I'm going to make it happen but don't come looking for me. By the time you see this, it is already too late for me. It doesn't matter anymore.  
I know all you've wanted to do is support me. Help me get a lead on depression. But that's just the thing. With every high I have, the low matches it just as deep. I've faked to everyone that I was making a recovery. But depression doesn't work like cancer. You don't just wake up one day after months or years of treatment depression free. It is a lifelong battle. I can't take it anymore, Phil. There is no getting better from this disease that claws at my being.  
I'm ready to let the monster win.  
Phil's knees buckled and he fell to the floor. He didn't want to cry. He wanted to know where he went wrong. Because obviously as Dan's best friend and roommate, he should have noticed that Dan wasn't ok. He should have seen the signs that Dan wasn't getting better. But now, Dan was gone.  
Dan.  
Was.  
Gone.  
Phil brought his knees up to his chest. There was going to be no recovering from this for him. His best friend had died. He was gone because of a stupid, preventable thing. Someone should have noticed something was off about Dan. Someone had to have known he was going to kill himself.  
Some feeling rolled up inside of him. Sadness? No. Something stronger. Something far worse. Anger.  
Anger at himself and at friends and family and therapists and psychiatrists and all of their followers. Anger at depression and all the reasons this happened. Anger at Dan.  
He shook his head as tears sprung to his eyes, but it was true. Dan should have said something. He should have asked for help. He shouldn't have done this.  
He rubbed aggressively at his face as the tears fell. Nothing was going to be the same. Not ever again. This wasn't fair. Why did this have to happen to his best friend. This doesn't just happen. There's reasons for it.  
Phil heard someone coming in the apartment. He stood up and walked out hopefully.  
"Dan." He breathed when he saw his best friend standing in the doorway with his head hung low, keys still in his hands. He rushed over. "Oh my God, you're ok." Phil hugged him and touched his face. Phil felt the wetness of tears.  
"I'm sorry." Dan said. Phil shushed him.  
"I don't care. All that matters is that you're ok now." Phil took a deep breath. "You're alive. Right now that's all that matters." Phil hugged him again. "But I'm scheduling an emergency visit with your therapist and I am going to give her this note. You're not getting off that easy." Phil took a deep breath. "But you're ok."

**Author's Note:**

> Hits and kudos mean the world to me. Comments fuel me into next week.   
> Find me on Tumblr @lesbaphannie


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